Plight of a child: open letter

“Oh my goodness! Look how you have grown. You are now a big girl o!”

Stop right there aunty! STOP! Before I bite somebody.
Was I supposed to remain stagnant, stay the same height and weight as when you saw me last? If I actually remained so wouldn’t you advise my mother to take me to one place or the other where prayer (or juju) works wonders?

Point of notice ma- the way you make me feel when you talk like that is….is….no be from here. You make it sound like I am already bigger than you (even when I’m just 8 years old). And then when I’m amidst my peers I still am the shortest and thinnest, so what are you saying?

Then you won’t keep quiet about it and that’s the most angry-ing part. A nagging wife can never hold a torch to you at that moment.

And as for you the aunty who greets me before greeting my mother while we are out, just because you allegedly say you knew when I was born and how I have now become such a pretty little thing and how you can’t believe your eyes that this is me after a long while…

Then you spoil the matter by asking me if I remember you.

Haba aunty! How now? You were the one that just said you saw me last when I was so-so months old. If I say I remember you won’t you throw me from off your hips (where I have been dangling from since you saw my mother and me) and put your shoes on your head while running from the little witch?

Then there is the one who believes I have been brought up badly by my sweet mother (and father of course) because I refused to go completely on my two knees and bow down to worship, all in the name of greeting in a respectful manner.

You should ask my parents how I greet them then probably you would steal me away and take me to School for the Disrespectful Child with motto: within two days your child/ward would be serving you water on their knees.

Aunty, wouldn’t you tell my mother I had a terrible ailment if as soon as you came in I went on bended knees and thus remained so till you left, grinning and ma-ing you all the way?

There also is that uncle who while exclaiming and saying how much I have grown is actually talking to the development of my mammary gland which I myself have not even noticed, thereby making me more aware and conscious of my growing body thereafter.

Which is not too good- I WANT TO BE A LITTLE GIRL FOR A LITTLE WHILE LONGER.

So also is the other uncle who comes to the house and in his honest shock of seeing me so grown carries me on his laps and keeps me there while talking to mummy and daddy.

But uncle, mummy is seriously giving me the eye signal to get down from your laps and if only you knew my mother and how well she deals with me when I disobey one of her almost unnoticeable eye signals, then you will push me off your laps with a spontaneous urgency. Instead you keep readjusting me on your lap when I try with style to slip off, telling me not to fall down so I don’t spoil my beautiful legs.

Uncle o, let them spoil-my mummy will not even let me contest for any beauty pageant anyway, so let them spoil. Yet I don’t want to be ungrateful and just jump off your leg because of the very long bar of chocolate you brought for me and the money you will give me when you are leaving.

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17 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Vessel of God
    Sep 15, 2014 @ 22:54:01

    From another fellow Nigerian, well done 🙂

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  2. Lamide
    Sep 16, 2014 @ 00:05:19

    wow

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  3. Emeka
    Sep 16, 2014 @ 03:12:00

    I think it will rather be ‘Plight of an adolescent.’

    You must have been an adolescent enough for your once breastless chest to have gathered more fruit enough to make your first uncle notice how matured u have become.

    Your hips must also have etched a little more noticeable for the second uncle to enjoy carrying u, having the graceful hips hauled on his laps. ‘Your mom sef dey spoil show for am.’

    Those your aunties too, they didn’t want to tell you how handfull your mammary gland has become, perhaps you gets to know more than they thought you know but they don’t know you are already a ‘good girl gone BAD.’

    Nice Imagination dear, keep it up

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  4. Walter
    Sep 16, 2014 @ 07:22:07

    A child is truly pissed. Lol. And all they want is for aunty and uncle to stop patronising them. Great imaginative writing, Dami

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  5. ddammii
    Sep 16, 2014 @ 08:09:52

    They should stop the patronage oo. Thanks Wuche

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  6. hrh7
    Sep 16, 2014 @ 09:48:53

    So true! Especially the one of greeting on two knees!

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  7. mosesabubakar
    Sep 16, 2014 @ 16:35:17

    They should stop it oh. Such remarks embarrass you especially when your peers are around. Though it would be very hard for the elders to scrap, it will go a long way in appreciating what time has done on somebody rather than trying to point out how small/little you were the last time they saw you. Nice one Dami, keep the pen busy.

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  8. tobiju
    Sep 19, 2014 @ 08:10:02

    this crious. This is a sweet throwback oo. I cld remeber all this while growing, ‘tobi o ma tin dagba-meanin tobi u r growing old o’, am i nt suppose 2???!!

    Great initaitive dear. Kip it up!

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  9. Wole Fash
    Sep 29, 2014 @ 00:58:23

    Quite hilarious…but it’s a circle. Even you will come to sing these same lyrics and dance these beats…shebi you too will be biiig auntie nah

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